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A Star-Like Start

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because i think you might be reading.. [21 Aug 2005|03:19pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

want to leave you with this: i have given you all of me and as much as i have always hoped for it to be enough it will never measure up. just always know that nothing about anything will change and that moments are ours. that the past eight months stand locked in a place where no one comes and goes but us. i will always be your little boy forcing myself through words and places into your heart. and that i will always love you like this. the only way that i know how; in all of the ways that i remember and in all of the ways that i remember what ive fallen for. your life is a sunny day now and i want you to be all there for every second of it. find yourself in your own life and play the biggest part in it. cross my heart i mean this. i love you and im happy for that _______ <3 me

you know who you are

2 *strikes out

specifics [07 Mar 2005|02:35pm]
perfect shaped glasses
smooth honey skin stretched over amazing hips
says all of the right things
doesnt know i think this way.. i bet



..and ive only got 2 =(
2 *strikes out

Romancing a Room of Suspended Hearts [05 Oct 2004|08:02pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

<--- Twice in the same
---> she has got to be the sweetest little mess.. so this is waking to dreams of waking up again? -- romancing a room of suspended hearts

ps the new days away record is going to be the most amazing ..you get it

1 *strikes out

kkkkids these days.. [05 Oct 2004|07:36pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Jay left the band this morning.. this is hard. I will fill in whatever details stand valid on saturday and ya so here:


As the amount of passion poured seeps through crevasses of crushed sand castles,


I am negated. There were waves


in my eyes and they crashed upon unyeilding feet.


An absent child reminded of failure,


wades in waters of deceit.

strikes out

Can you tell me how it feels to be in love with someone so incredible as you? [29 Sep 2004|04:53pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

A soft sit through candle lit
with every desire now,
to make the most of moments
you said:

"You are something I have yet to feel.
I know that in time you will know me as what it is you NEED.
Little boy.. you move me and little boy you shine."


We were kids then remembering to remain that way, always.
And everynight we'd celebrate ourselves to sleep..
where your colors came through to speak for words,
when you would light my childlike dreams to life..

you showed me to be amazing..

The subway moves in slow motions at twilight hour

******* pen to paper at the J.O.B this afternoon ..Im not so sure I want you to know that I FEEL YOU

strikes out

The things you never knew existed [28 Sep 2004|05:19pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

Ive got a secret you see,
Automatic could never touch her,
She beats so clear, I’d give myself to the beat
Just to be hear the sound.
She taught me to seek truth in the path her
Gentle footsteps trace.
And I must confess I love the shape
that my mind takes whenever she is on it. …wherever she may be.

Everyone needs their proof
Some kind of rule to latch onto
We all want to peek outside the box
But were all caught up inside staring…just trapped inside
We need to see, all of us just little thoughts, racing out of control,
Serving the speed of light and we like the truth we want nothing but truth.
Go ahead, try and find yourself a part of every perfect thing…
In the footsteps of harmony
Everyone wants the answer they’re sure unlocks every question.
I want to give it away.

Sometimes I get so blue to see
My friends, with life so close at hand.
I get so scared, with eyes wide shut,
All fail to find hope near to them.
If whats concealed tends to reveal itself in time,
Just accept that it makes no sense to abide a secret smile.
Ive got to give it away when she sends me falling
So sing it again…I love the shape it takes when she is on it…

strikes out

[23 Sep 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

People are the worst kind of dissappoinment. They are so sorry ..dont let them in, it only hurts. You showed me to be amazing.. dont talk to me about things that you have never felt, not for me, never at all. I think about how badly i will learn to hate you.. and i wont feel bad. You are pointless..

2 *strikes out

Everyday is the worst hair day of my Life [18 Sep 2004|05:29pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

Awesome Awesome ..Awesome drum tracks were cut today. Adams stuff is amazing. I honestly always looked at him as mediocre but he's so sikk behind the kit. Jay FINALLY cameout, we went out for lunch minus mike who chose to 'clean shit up' so when we got back i could go to work on bass stuff. We played around with sound settings and what not but nothing really was layed down. No rush. No worries. So im still averaging out 3-4 hours of sleep a night and i hate it. Lastnight was a really good time.. you know. I pre-ordered the new Dont Look Down and the new This Day and Age so any day now..im looking for someone to put up a photo as my journal background for me so yea do it. I predict that someday soon i may have something worth writing about. that i might have something to say..

<3<3<3

1 *strikes out

Until you come down <3<3 [15 Sep 2004|09:29pm]
[ mood | cold ]


Finding myself in a place i've never been, where I don't know myself or anyone else. I can dream about the past or I can just let it go; I lost track of time five days ago. What is it about you that makes me want to stay? Is it all the love? or is it just the pain? Don't leave me now, we've come to far just to set our eyes on a new star. I'll ride on clouds 'til you come down, just promise me you'll always leave the ground. In the drivers seat is my self-esteem, where I know that the heart should be. I'm cleaning off these shelves to show you how i've changed, and if all goes well tonight we'll call for rain. I'm moving pass the past at the slowest of speeds, hoping that our love exceeds our insecurities. Finding myself... i'm running in circles, it's you i'm thinking of, and if you don't want to talk then this isn't love. a new destination, i'll say my goodbyes; with my back turned to you at least i know we tried..

1 *strikes out

Broke Edge for Art <3 [08 Sep 2004|11:33pm]
[ mood | content ]

Caterpillars turning into butterflies, what a beautiful sight.

"Don't change" they scream.

Molded to Hollywood's dream.

"Leave or join us," It's what it's for, us.

White lie & be true to your life..

<3


when words dont come out right = Aiko

2 *strikes out

oh man [07 Sep 2004|05:26pm]
[ mood | confused ]

where do you dip "cold feet" ??


tell me someone knows.. cause i dont know anything

1 *strikes out

Birthday Wishes Everywhere [30 Aug 2004|03:14pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

August 30th 2004 .. 1/5th of my time and i have never been so set, so ready. 20, and i feel so tall, outstretched and improved. Reminder: I am her baby boy, baby blue.. mama, my mama ..i know 19 was a complicated one giving birth at that very age on that very day could not be easy.. but you lived to put it behind you. 20 years later i am alive, here to tell about it, how i have lived to put it behind me. As today breaks i grow in admiration, in constant awe ..of you and the super hero image you have never let down. Although we are growing in a sense we are both still little ones, children of this place and if time means anything to me, it means that we will never have to let go. August 30th will always be our day, it is as much yours as it is mine. Birthday wishes everywhere mom and you are mine.. no one else can touch this

<3
baby blue (baby boy)

3 *strikes out

to my beautiful ..bring me back for more [29 Aug 2004|03:10pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I guess it seems about right this time the break up that is. Its time i write you, journal, something new.. I bet you wouldnt believe that Ive moved on. We spoke early monday, we remembered who we were and who we said we'd always be. That we never meant to lose.. always adore, trust and respect one another and i stayed true. I didn't come off strong this was something that had been slowly perfected [It sure didnt seem that way]. She is and forever will be amazing. She deserves so much more than what i haden't given her and probably would not have gotten around too. But we were kids together.. we were crazy young, ignorant and careless ..it was best then and that is how i always want to remember it. soft,sweet, and sincere. But that was a moment.. i am not the same boy that i used to be. That i have accepted. I am really looking forward to completely licking these pages shut and leave it: labeled "High School Sweethearts" ..something like that i wont forget

timing is everything <3 <3 <3

so sorry so strong..

<3

strikes out

A Star-Like Start [28 Aug 2004|05:15pm]
[ mood | thankful ]

ok ok soo this week has been rough and amazing all in the same.. it breaks down like this:

Sleep : 14 hours all week

Food: 0 calories nigga

Work: 37.5 hours

Amazing people: 1 ..she could equal 7,000,000 incredible ones though

friends are what get us through each day, right? right. we had practice today and talked about a lot of stuff. Everything from shows plans to the record, and everything un-related inbetween. We wrote a new song today and re-did an older one and LET ME TELL YOU.. they sound soo sikk i couldnt be happier with it. We decided on the name "A Star-Like Start" so get used to it.. ive also been incrdibly sick all week because of everything that has been going on.. its neat because "she" MAKES me feel like i am perfect all of the time. I owe "her." You know who.. life is coming along really well i think ill go out to the craft shop and pick up some pastels and paint myself a set of rosey cheeks and almost perfect laughter because today feels right.. i am content and so are you <3

1 *strikes out

Heart Shaped bagels and the City of Lights [15 Aug 2004|07:10pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

aight so i started this temp job out in Freehold with a insurance company "proformance." It is the wooorst. Actually is decently chill except that i have add and dont see myself sitting through an 8 hour day 5 days a week.. cubicle and pc. So it pays really well and although i hate it sooo much more than the last i have finally set some goals and am trying to prove that i can follow through. Im way in debt and owe the courts of this state my ass. we'll see. Other than that things are going really good at home with mom dukes and the little one's. My sisters having a boy and his name will be Connor. His favorite color is green and I want to by him a bay guitar. He'll be here sometime around halloween. Its gonna be soo sikk because we're spanish and her boyfriend is irish ..wow yea. Jay, Mike, and Adam are the guys in the new band. Its amazing.. the guys are perfect. They are soo talented and really awesome kids to be doing this with. We have been writing and working on so much and will be recording all of september. We have been working on getting hooked up with some pa's and what not so shit should pick up. I want energy drinks!!! ...somebody kiss me <3

3 *strikes out

Perfect laughter.. and the City Ignites [30 Jul 2004|10:52am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Almost 4 months have gone by and I guess a whole lot really has happened. A lot of good seems to be coming from a bad bad streak. I came to terms with this:

I want what I cant have.

I am always making mistakes.

I dont regret anything.

I am finding out more and more about myself.

I am infatuated with the sun and all of its light.

so where to begin? Well after months of distancing myself from my sister and her pregnancy (that i should have been there for despite the inconveniance of her company) and 2 months out on the street minus my mom that i missed so much, a lot of fucking up, energy drinks, a cd, a few black t-shirts later, teddy, some slip ups with her, a fresh attitude, a continous effort to do better, and a new band with really awesome guys and sikk tunes I am well. Stoked about everything, less worries, and more focused. I set goals lastnight. Thats something i have never done or have accomplished them atleast. But i am feeling confident on this one. Ive hot motivation and support. I really cant wait til i can say this is who i am and this is where i want to be. Growing up is sooo hard, but it happens when you are so utterly over hitting walls.. adulthood brings bruising but there are cushions.. everything and everyone has its cushions. I found mine and i can only hope that god can forgive my past.. and that i really do mean this. I Do.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 <----- BIG Hearts I will be updating more often.. meanwhile enjoy these photos =]










6 *strikes out

Romancing a Room of Suspended Hearts. [12 Apr 2004|10:51am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Easter Sunday was my most off day in months. Its hard to explain just what terrible weather and a rub in the past can do to a person. We fought over what I would wear to her mothers breakfast. Was this ever up for discussion? I understand tradition and how "significant" of a thing it may be fore some but this was more than tradition. It was inconsiderate. I woke to shower to dress to impress. I cleared my closet until I found the "right" one. Vacuumed my hair with the blow dryer.. sat before the mirror and thought "perfect" ..then the phone calls "my mom will kill you if you wear jeans:" Had I been stubborn id say kick my teeth in BUT I did not have anything else to wear but what I had worked on and was presently wearing. And I thought "wow, this is me.. she wont change that." ..long story short I make it to the breakfast, embarrassed and angry over the whole thing I walked out. I spent much of the day after that at home with my family. I waited on her for dinner.. Spanish people never eat dinner past PM I waited til PM, my mom had prepared her favorite. I was ecstatic to see her.. I thought we'd make up for the morning. She say "we should talk" ..me thinking "awesome. this is what I wanted anyway" then it hit me while sitting alone "you remember THAT girl...?" she asked. My heart raced and stopped beating I swear my lips trembled. I didn't know what to say. I would come clean that was never up for debate. I told her everything.. which was not anymore than what she had already known. But the truth is we were on a "break" when this all happened. And altho the pain of old hearts just as much if not more so than that fresh squeeze, things were different. I fell completely in love with her and for months on I have had eyes nor intentions for anyone else. I am completely content and proud of her and how far we have come. I admitted these things and never felt so sorry. But I was strong not to make myself the victim but to speak sincere words.. how can you comfort someone after this. I called her out and before she walked out made it a point that she can leave me and ill know that she left the undeserving but that altho I messed up I have been nothing but perfect to her. I have treated her better than anyone she can imagine. I have been her soul mate throughout it all. I hurt her and it sickens me to think that I can never change things but I am also 19 years old and above all people make mistakes especially at this ripe age. its only sad to think that I have learned my lesson meanwhile it is too late, that I can be sorry for being happy, that I can be sorry for being proud, that I can be sorry for wanting her, for wanting to share with her, for calling her beautiful, for comforting her through rough nights, I can always apologize for dedicating myself to her, to fighting to keep us aligned.. I can say I am sorry that you hurt, im sorry that you tear, I am even more sorry that I don't deserve you and that you do not deserve this.. I can always say I am sorry... we can always say we are sorry ..how do you comfort someone after this?

3 *strikes out

I want to sit beneath the cleanest of apple trees, in nothing but socks with no where to be, nothing to see.. but You [09 Apr 2004|04:37pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

this week has been rad, got fired from work.. my first speeding ticket with a bonus warning.. but the weather has been amazing. I am alive and short of words but have tons of new music and a lot of goodness happening. Airing out my socks before I go roll down big hills and eat rita's until I puke.. out to catch shots of the country.. ill update later.

p.s. Elevenue.. robs new shit haven't heard it but have heard good things and they are my boys so get on this now! www.elevenuerock.com

1 *strikes out

Glass in the Tree's [02 Apr 2004|03:49pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Just got the new Dead Poetic LP... it is amazing, their vocalist is amazing and their tunes are just fantasticly solidified. Talked music with marco, about his recent projects and landis and what not. I dunno if playing music is what i want anymore. Ill always write, and recording is something i will always do, but i think putting more effort into another project is something i dont wanna do. For those in bands you can relate unless you are 200 percent hooked on what you've got and stoked about where things are going, if the dedication and the chemistry were there then hands down im in but we'll see how this collaborative project goes. Its gonna be sick for those fans of saosin, fall out boy, copeland, and the early november.. keep up with this.

5 *strikes out

If you have ever read "Coma" by Robin Cook (this is nothing like that I am just overly dramatic) [02 Apr 2004|12:18pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

just when I thought my week would get better it didn't.. call me a baby, its cool but I am soo scared! Yesterday morning me and urszula got picked up for my same day surgery in secaucus (this town sucks). Anyway I am usually really scared about hospitals or anything medical even. We waited and waited and finally I was forced to strip into a hospital robe which I couldn't figure out and eventually had 2 nurses see me in the nude while trying to figure out how the hell I could have fucked up such a simple task. So this guy comes in and starts drawing blood he explained the difference in color and thickness in oxygenated blood and what not which kept me calm. Then he hooked me up to an Iv then a HEART MONITOR.. <--- this is when i really freaked. my hear would skip every other beat and as long as i wasnt made aware i am comfortable and like to keep it that way (again cause i am a baby). So i asked if Urszula could come in yet and he said he'd go get her. we fooled around for a while to keep me from throwing things.. then they said they were ready and asked her to wait in the waiting room or to get some breakfast at the caFe. They pulled me in and it was soo like in the movies. All i saw were masked faces.. mint green walls, metal objects.. the smell of new. The i was transferred onto an "operation table" ... thsi is when they hooked me up to an oxygen machine, or so she says. I layed there on my stomach and began to tune out to a set of contorted figures until there was nothing left but thick air, a huge bright light hanging over, me and OUT. I remember feeling some prickling and at this point thought that they had just been getting started but they were actually already finished. I woke up at around 1:45pm in a state of panic like i have never been in before. I was on every machine.. she (urszula) was huge blur, i couldnt focus or see straight. They brought me really stale bread and a soup that tasted so bitter i thought my insides would implode from consumtion. I fight with the nurses, explaining that i felt fine and should be let go immediately. I couldnt even keep my eyes clse but i tried to get up onto my feet and put on my clothes.. so i sat back down, i knew i couldnt make it out past the hallway. Then they called that i could go and that we were going home.. i felt like i were sleep walking. My eyes would close and roll.. i heard so many voices and couldnt point out a single face. I didnt think id make it home, i wasnt sure if i wanted to. We made it back and i walked straight to bed. Urszula was there which had me feeling pretty comfortable. So i "slept" ..i closed my eyes and just sat there not feeling pain, not feeling much of anything but my heart racing, i couldnt stop sweating. She turned on the T.v. which made it harder to sleep which i dont know whether or not it was a good thing. I didnt want to fall asleep, i thought i wouldnt wake. 4 hours later at around 7pm i noticed urszula was asleep she had complained all day about a migraine. I watched her as long as i could before i eventually fell asleep. I woke up again at 9pm to use the bathroom and for that moment felt soo much better. I then realized it was only 9pm and i was well rested. I couldnt possibly satay upp all night under those conditions.. i found it rather easy to fall asleep altho i woke frequently through the night. This morning i felt well but not as good as i thought. I wonder if it is because of the 20 hour sleep or that the sedatives might still be in my system. Anyway i felt fine until about a half hour ago i came home finally and am alone. I start to feel drowsy and that same panic all over again. I started dialing out.. i wanted someone to keep me company because i am afraid. And i wont sleep.. i am afraid to sleep. This might come off as the most pointless entry ever but its really not.. i was so scared lastnight. And this morning both. I am so dramatic like that.. anytime i feel ill or like i need rest io begin to feel helpless and like sleep would literally only kill me. i guess you can imgaine. I am scared. other than that i am totally stoked.. i am going to be an uncle and a dad.

2 *strikes out

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